Balance Sheet

Ever wonder if there's a balance sheet somewhere tracking your pluses and minuses?

I have.

Ever wonder if the things you do that people remember positively will outweigh the negative at your funeral?

I have.

Ever tear up during a movie when there's a "feelings" song because you wonder - what impact have I had on people?  Is it good?  Or bad?  A mix?

I sure as hell have.

There's a theory that people are sadder when a close pet dies than a relative because pets don't play games or manipulate or have agendas - they are just pure in their own way.  They love.  Simply.  Prett much the only selfishness that comes into play is the need for food and biological functions, plus a bit of loving.  Humans are so much more complicated with layers upon layers of emotions, games, desires, and more, so when your favorite person moves on (dies, moves away, tells you you never listen anymore so go the f--- away, whatever), the emotions you feel are more complicated.  So, do you wonder what others feel about you?  How complicated that is?

Yes, I have.  I wonder.  I'm curious when I see the positive outweight the negative in someone else - what's my balance sheet?  I put out some strange positives - but I put out some damning negatives.  Not intentionally, for sure - the mark of me, in my own head, is that when I truly wished someone ill-will because I was hurt so bad I wanted to die, is that I gave those people grace.  It's the in-between that's always tripped me up - the grey areas, or the areas where I just don't know what direction to move.  Those are the times that I've hurt people without intending - when I was so inwardly focused, that I forgot about other people's feelings.  I was doing the best I could... I swear, I was

But, it's still on the balance sheet.