Blog Envy

I have blog envy.

It's true - and weird, I'm convinced.  Maybe it's not weird, but it feels weird when I type it - "blog envy".  How the hell is that possible?  I'll tell you what I mean, first:  I'm envious when I read a blog that has a lot of comments, especially a lot of long comments.  I compare that entry to my blog entries to see if I get that response and if not, I'm jealous!  LOL - it's like high school all over again and has become a new popularity contest for me.  In fact, I've NOT written blogs before just because I don't think I'll get any comments and I'll feel like I wasted my time.  So, I'm pretty sure I don't just blog for myself...

Honestly, it takes too long for someone like me to write a blog because I'm ADD - thoughts occur in my head in sporadic order with connecting disconnects that make no "essay sense" - and by that, I mean laid out like you would an essay with a thesis/opening statement, then the supporting arguments and a conclusion.  My thoughts leap about - so, for me to actually order them into a "blog" is actually very hard work.  And, typing is much slower than thinking.  So, I only want to take time to blog if there's some sort of impact - not to just sit there unread and uncommented on (which is my evidence of it having been read, since there is no "unique visitor counter" for my blog).

Scary.

I know it - I feel it, but that's what it's like being me - actually reading a blog and thinking, "Wow - they get more of a response than me, they must have more friends".  Yeah, I was lonely growing up, but I'm not nearly the same now as I was then - these are my demons that I rescued from childhood and keep stowed away on my back, just enough to remind me of my youth, but no longer controlling my actions.

So, for now, I write to exorcise some and exercise more - to get over my comment-field fixation and blog for blogging's sake.  Perhaps one day I'll even look back on these humble beginnings and learn something...