compelled to write

i feel compelled to write, but i have no topic that i'm willing to share today.  yet, the compulsion to write something - anything - is strong today, and i don't know why.  yes, i could delve into the inner most struggles of my heart and brain today, but without conclusions it would ramble and maybe reveal too much about how my brain works, something i'm not sure i'd wish on anyone ;-) 

really, things are rolling around in my head like crazy go nuts right now - for one, work is going well but has intensified in effort so it's exhausting.  two, it's plain hot here in good ol' Texas which makes getting out on my bike that much more damaging (pulse rate of 185?  bad.).  three, what the heck am i going to do relationship-wise?  it's just too complicated.  i signed up for a match.com account recently, but ... i just don't know.  it's been hard for me to feel like putting a lot of effort into it with a bunch of strangers, a short profile and a few pictures, when i've experienced real relationships in recent memory with real people in my every day life.  but, i almost feel that i need to match.com it for awhile to get the other stuff out of my head.  yet, it's not that simple - because, recent memory comes back to affect my thought process in a very real way.  basically, i have a choice to make right now.  and, it's not what socks to wear, it's a decision that will make an impact for months or longer down the road, and that's a big deal because (four) i aint getting any younger.  the impossible stretch of time that i saw in my future when i was 22 just isn't realistic at 33.  fact of life. 

i was 24 when i got married and i tried to make it work - oh, how i tried - and it didn't.  didn't work.  but, i blinked my eyes and years past, so now i'm behind the 8 ball as far as that's concerned and i recognize how fickle and temporary and permanent all at the same time that TIME is.  time sucks. and is strange.  bizarre, intangible yet completely, innerantly measurable.  ironically measurable.  for example, there are some times when i can spend an hour with someone and it feels like 2.  other times, i can spend an hour with someone and it feels like 5 minutes.  debatable, i suppose, which is good or bad - personally, i find that people that i enjoy the most, time FLIES by.  how that pertains to 'time' is that the same freaking hour goes by, measurable by millions and billions of clocks worldwide.  how time affects me changes.  whatever

i can easily see where i'm at by what i do - if i drop everything for a person, i don't even have to evaluate what i feel - i know what i feel from my actions.  the problem comes in on timing - look, time rears its ugly head again - and also what the other person has going on.  if i drop everything for someone and they don't respond, what has it cost me?  time? heartache? oi.

i waffle on risking it all and being content in the simplicity of regular life.  i've had stretches of time where doing my own hobbies was enough.  but, every once in awhile, i have the unique opportunity of crossing paths with someone that breaks into that life and touches my soul.  when my soul is touched that way, everything else fades away into complete oblivion and i forget what i even did before.  and don't get me wrong - it's not consuming in a 'holy crap, he's a stalker' type of way by any stretch - i just mean that the stirrings of my soul remind me that God really did create me to be in relationship, and while it's difficult and sometimes (oftentimes) painful, it's still something I ultimately need.  it's just the timing that is killer - risking it all at the wrong time means spending months and ending up hurting, right?  but, not risking it all means never finding it all.  which is more dangerous?  the easier roller coaster that doesn't go too high but also doesn't go too low?  or the chase of the ultimate that brings along deep dark risks?  that's always the argument, i suppose.  especially when you find the best roller coaster in the world and you're right up next to it debating whether to get on.

easily, life could've come with a clear manual - but i suppose that would remove the fun out of life anyway.  i'm just tired of time marching on unencumbered while i deal with life.  i need life tivo.