Constellation Consternation

I never understood horoscopes.

Wait - I should restate that: I get the point of horoscopes and how easy it is to convince people that a bunch of stars millions and millions of miles apart, and only appearing to be 2 dimensional to us due to the nature of bright light on a dark background (compared to the true 3-dimensional nature of stars' actual locations in space) have anything to do w/ some weird picture and the months of the year (even I am surprised at just truly how absurd this is), but...

How did they come up with the "pictures" in the first place? I mean, when I look at them, I see a bunch of dots. Someone has to draw lines between the dots, then fill it in, then compare it to something in earthly life for me to "get it" and even then, I still see a bunch of dots. Take Orion for example:

So, I decided to start my own taitoscope by discovering pictures in my freckles from a childhood photo. As I continue my research, I expect to assist each and every one of you in living your life depending on the position of "pimples" in relation to Yoda and Jabra Bluetooth Headset.

As you may not know, if you are the sign of Jelly Doughnut, this week you should know that 5 o'clock shadow is rising which means you can expect to enjoy the company of those you love in the near future while depending on someone close to you. Oh, and eating a candy bar.

Blog by Matthew Tait Lifto