Facebook

I feel wistful for the past.  I know that it's a painful illusion of humanity to think fondly of the past, forgetting what truly was for the comparison to what currently is, but still - the feeling is there despite the attempts of pragmataticism to take over.  This is a despotism!  So what particular memories are stirring around?  Well, let's see, memories of my good friend in high school, Mark, who now is just a distant Facebook acquaintance.  How about Chris Waddell who was with me when I broke my toe and now ignores even the most simple of messages.  Or, my cousin Brenda, who won't respond to any phone calls or emails from me regardless, even though I remember our childhood fondly.  Or, my cousin Chris - we were soooo tight growing up, but now in our 30's, I didn't even know he had neck surgery until I read his old facebook Wall posts.  Or, my father - the guy who has too much pride and anger to be real with anyone - I find out in txt message that he had a heart attack on Friday, and I tell others to gauge their reaction because I have almost none now... now, over 8 years since the last time I heard anything from him, and over 10 years since I heard anything postiive from him...

I know some of you are saying, Hey - maybe it's just you.  And, yeah, I thought about it, but there's no way to know.  Go ahead and find someone in your life that you think might have a problem with you and ask - I can almost guarantee that they'll say it's not you and that there's another reason.  People are rarely forthcoming about that kind of stuff.  Doesn't help the memories, or the comparisons.

Memory is a weird thing - what compounds it, though, isn't just the sadness of loss but at the desire to be there - to be a part of someone else's life that I truly care for, but somehow became more and more disconnected from.  Facebook almost hurts this, in a way, because it enables you to distantly stay in touch rather than just removed completely.  To know you're missing something, rather than just wonder.  To realize you are on the other side of a 2 way mirror rather than just check yourself in the reflection.  Growing older sometimes just sucks.  The memories just pile up in a corner to sift through.  Piling up larger and larger, yet fading with time while reality just has more to compare to.