[iTait Complexity]

[This feels like a blog that has the complete potential to be long and serious, so move on now if you have no interest]

I am a complex person, prone to very strong, passionate emotions throughout the spectrum of possible humanality.

Yeah, I like hard rock, but I also love a smooth, soulful jazz song - I have Metallica next to Norah Jones. I love the movies "Heat", "Dumb and Dumber", and "Die Hard", but watched "Notting Hill" this morning. There definitely exists an incredible thread of emotion only found in movies that somehow transfigures people into snapshots of potential life - it's an unfair device, to be sure, with heavy usage of camera angles, careful writing and excellent soundtracks (to name a few). Without a doubt, life would change considerably were we to edit our own heavily and imbue them with appropriate song selection. Unfortunately, this editing process does not exist. If it did, the music would swell and I'd find love as the credits began to roll (I'd like to thank my Mom, and Kodak for making this moment possible - any similarity to persons living or dead is right on because it's my life after all).

She...
May be the face I can't forget
The trace of pleasure or regret
May be my treasure or the price I have to pay

First, the decision to ever share personal moments on the Internet continues to battle inside, and typically the nod to the "yes" only comes after a certain threshold is reached. Ironically, those are the most vulnerable of life moments, yet here I am typing away furiously without edit upon my keyboard. I'm melancholy today - and some things still can't be discussed freely due to other real life emotions existing in other real life humans. I'll trace out a bit of my own, though, hopefully in coherant vibrance without too much self pity.

She
May be the song that summer sings
May be the chill that autumn brings
May be a hundred different things
Within the measure of a day

I still desire love - earlier blogs pointed that out already, and our race certainly devoured this desire from day one so I'm not prepared to publish a scientific discovery on this statement, nevertheless it still predicates my thought process. I've found that reflection begins to round out the edges of my own life. Thinking through events, choices and experiences allows perspective and the companion, growth. Unfortunately, I also find that reflection only gives me information from my perspective. For example, stand in front of a mirror and try with all of your skills to see the back of your head or neck without using any other reflecting surface. You can't do it. All day long, you can accurately define certain aspects of yourself based on reflection alone, however your singular perspective (and any clothing you have on) does not allow for blind spots without external assistance. In the same way, I find that I have considerable blind spots (mostly stemming from a lonely childhood and ineffective family-of-origin - I don't blame either, but I recognize that my emotional toolbox began filling at a much later age) that may be insurmountable. That is not the topic of this blog. It's a great topic, and currently swimming around with considerable strength in the whirlpool of thought process in my head right now, but still, I must get back on track with my current thought process.

She
May be the beauty or the beast
May be the famine or the feast
May turn each day into a heaven or a hell
She may be the mirror of my dreams
The smile reflected in a stream
She may not be what she may seem
Inside her shell

I loved. I loved a woman to a degree I never thought possible, and maybe from a perspective born of reflection or perhaps just out of the callousing assistance borne through emotional chafing, I don't know. Either way, I gave emotionally, physically and financially in every way I knew how and a few ways in which I did not, and yet at the end of the day, I found myself with only my mirror.

She
Who always seems so happy in a crowd
Whose eyes can be so private and so proud
No one's allowed to see them when they cry

Recentness does not play into this discussion, by the way, just the immediacy of thought (which, we probably all recognize, occurs without warning or even sometimes logic). At the end of the day, I recognize that all the effort and love in the world does not determine the outcome. Outcomes exist outside our own hopes and dreams, due to the complexity of reality in humanity. What gives us life, also takes it away. The very source of our hope - the difference of relationships with others - also brings sorrow. Dichotemy, absolutely! Irony, for sure, but also again the hope of something else. The only constant through this journey, in my eyes, is the steady undeniable march of time. I may know the perfect woman today that I knew years ago, yet the same obstacles still lie between us. The only difference being our age, which (pardon the morbidity) is that much closer to our ultimate demise. No progress, yet time continued to roll beneath us, unwavering... unflappable... unyielding.

She
May be the love that cannot hope to last
May come to me from shadows of the past
That I'll remember till the day I die

I don't know quite how to progress with this personal journey spilled out online, now - the emotion dimished extensively during this typing in front of my cold white uncaring monitor. Searching for a great conclusionary statement would distract me from the truth of my wanderings, so I'll move right to the end, stating simply that I continually wrestle with the emotions of relationship. Whether it be a significant relationship like a marriage to the casual friendships of people I talk to once a year, relationships are the most important thing, and the most difficult thing in my life. I always yearn for something deeper and more real, but all people are NOT created equally regardless of what you read in any book. We are unique, and I've found that I'm on the extreme end in how I desire real-ness in relationship. I truly don't tolerate deceit in any real capacity, and I truly do demand that relationships are somewhat equal in regards to emotional investment. This makes real relationship quite challenging, but also still something I pursue consistently.

She
May be the reason I survive
The why and wherefore I'm alive
The one I'll care for through the rough in ready years