Mixed Nuts

Nuts.

It's what's for dinner.

I suppose, at least - these grocery aisles are ridiculous these days where one product has magically multiplied into twenty. Remember Eggos? Used to be "Eggo" and that's it, right? Now, there's like 20 kinds! Yeah, they got the ones with chocolate chips, blueberries and the like. Sure, they got some whole grain ones, but they even have the lazy Eggos - they're just Eggos except they are shaped differently. Does that fool anyone's palette?

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna have an egg sandwich 'cause I just don't like Eggos that much. What? They are shaped like Leggos?!? Bring it on!"

Do you even care what waffles taste like, anyway? Aren't they just fluffy pieces of cardboard with carefully designed syrup canyons? Aren't they really just a way to get syrup into our mouths because society still frowns upon pouring Mrs Butterworth directly onto a spoon? Wait - is it "Mrs" or "Ms"? Is she single? I have no idea.

Does adding a "Mr" or "Mrs" make it classier? I guess I wouldn't have tuned in to just watch "Rogers" as a kid.

Oh, right - back to nuts. So, I'm walking down the grocery store aisle and I'm wobbling (the right front wheel - it's always one wheel. How is it possible to engineer 3 perfect wheels and then one crappy wheel on every single cart?) down by the nuts section when a Planters can grabs my attention through subtlty - a new can with green on it with stickers and signs pointing out "NEW!" and "TRY TODAY!" and "WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE, TAIT!". Turns out they "developed" a new line of cans based on pistachios.

Yeah, I used the quotes for "developed". They have all the ingredients right there on site. So one day Bob gets bored and says, "Hey, what if instead of that can, we put some of these in this can? Can we paint it green?". Bob's a creative genius. Sorry, "Mr." Bob.

So, Bob's can of nuts (that sounds so wrong) jumps into my cart (they know where I live!) proudly proclaiming contents of 50% pistachios along with Cashews and Almonds. Now, almonds are alright, but they aren't something I seek out either. Cashews, though, and pistachios maintain a magical level of goodness to my taste buds. Put them together, and let frivolity and madness ensue. Not madness - never mind that. Just frivolity.

I don't even wait - in the car, I pop open a can of nuts and - wait a second, what's going on here? Where are the cashews? Now, I know that the proudly proclaimed magic ingredient remains pistachios, and the ratio of green goodness compliments the printed claim. But, still - cashews come second on the list of ingredients. Doesn't that mean that they are featured in some fashion? Do regulations not call for your most prominent ingredient first followed by second most, etc, etc?

I ate the entire can. Scratch that - I ate the entire contents of the can. Not in one sitting - it took me 4 days (what are you, nuts?) and kept careful track of the cashew count. Three and a half. Yup. The entire can contained three and a half cashews. That's it. The rest consisted of 50% pistachios and 48% almonds. Do you really think that 3.5 cashews gets second billing on the can?

That'd be like going to see a movie with Bruce Willis, Angelina Jolie and Juliette Lewis billed as the 3 stars of the movie. You like Bruce Willis and he's in it a lot, but you're surprised to only see Angelina in one scene - and she didn't pout or take her shirt off. Yeah, technically she was in the movie, but you're not sure if you would've purchased the ticket had you known how little you'd see of her. Juliette Lewis is a fine actress, but she's not why you're in your very expensive theater seat.

This blog entry somehow grew much larger than originally intended. Hmmm...