Pepper, RIP 1/1/08

It’s always a puzzle the way we approach grieving, but I know that the last time I had a cat pass away was a very long time ago, and the connection then was different and I was a different person, blah blah, so I have no real frame of reference. I don’t know what I should feel or experience, but I know it doesn’t matter if I should or if there is a should – I just know I grieve this passing.

-------------

Pepper was a birthday present for my ex-wife soon after we got married. We went to the SPCA downtown and picked her out – I have a very distinct memory of her sitting on the floor of the kitten room playing with all the kittens and carefully selecting Pepper out of the bunch.

-------------

Pepper’s personality was unique. I wanted to use stronger wording than that, but that’s the only way I could sum it up after a few minutes of thought. Pepper’s curiosity showed early on as she climbed into our Christmas tree that first year, barely big enough to cover the palm of my hand. She always wanted to explore and explore, climbing into anything around. I have a short video of her from a digital camera video setting of her sitting on a toilet watching the water swirl around until she fell in. I remember her jumping into a cardboard box and then pouncing out of it in the kitchen of our first apartment. She would always walk up to me and just stick her head into me and hold it still – she’d kinda bow as she did it so her nose pointed to the ground, and the top of her head just sat against me, usually my arm, in a silent but patient request to be loved on.

-------------

Pepper liked to rub her paws on the carpet quite frequently then suddenly jerk around and run off for no apparent reason. Often times, she’d get this ‘crazed’ look in her eyes that made her seem possessed as she tore around the house. Other times, she’d bit at herself and twitch like she truly belonged in a mental institution. But, she also would just come and want love, and purr quietly when content. Sometimes, she’d stand in front of a mirror and just stare. I still don’t know what at – but, I remember it reminded me of the Portrait of Dorian Gray. LOL. I remember once when I accidentally stepped on her and was worried that I hurt her. Later, she was coughing up a hairball, but I was convinced that I had broken a rib and that she was dying and I panicked, wanting to take her to the vet. Luckily, she saved herself that bit of unpleasantness by producing a hairball. I felt foolish.

-------------

Once, we bundled up the cats and went to an underground shelter during a tornado in one of our cars – when we got home, though, Pepper had decided she would hide out under the car passenger seat, but was not willing to come out after finding her own personal safe spot. I was scared that I’d hurt her if I tried to pull her out forcefully, so it took a few hours of working with her to finally get her back inside.

-------------

Even the most damage she ever caused was funny – I replaced my computer monitor – a CRT – with a flat screen a bit ago. Well, I guess one day she just forgot and she jumped onto the top of it – she used to love lounging around on top of the warm CRT – and I remember how everything stayed suspended just briefly as her back legs clung to the top of the flat screen with tail hanging down as she precariously found out with shock that the monitor ended inches from where it began, before the whole thing tumbled to the ground and Pepper took off in panic. The flat screen cracked into pieces, but thankfully it was just the plastic that was permanently broken – the monitor still works and just cosmetically isn’t quite as pretty as it used to be.

-------------

We nurtured and cared for her – in some ways, it was almost like she was our child, considering we didn't have kids during our marriage. To lose Pepper so suddenly pains me in ways I don’t even understand. I have many unanswered questions.

-------------

What I do know is that I remember Pepper very very well. I know that I loved Pepper . I also know that the only two people on earth who truly knew Pepper were me and my ex-wife. We saw Pepper on basically a daily basis throughout her life – noone else saw Pepper’s strange personality and loved her anyway day in and day out.

-------------

It opens up a lot in me – I think grief has a way of tearing down filters. Not necessarily changing thoughts but maybe freeing thoughts that are already there. I recall how tenuous life is, and how quickly my entire life can get away from me, slipping through my fingers. I’m reminded that if I don’t act, people can be gone before I get a second chance. I regret, now, not being more actively involved in Pepper’s life the past year when my own life got in the way, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Usually, my life is full of “would’ve” or “could’ve” with other people where I know that there’s always tomorrow. But, this is a reminder that there isn’t always tomorrow. There is often tomorrow, but sometimes there’s not and you just can’t go back and change a damn thing. Maybe that’s part of the grief right there.

-------------

I was thinking about how there must be a purpose or lesson in grief. I mean, God created us very specifically. But, I believe I understand that the Garden of Eden was created as the intention of creation – that grief was not part of that original setting, yet God created us capable of feeling grief, so it was still intentional. Is grief now simply a reminder of the Fall? How we’ve fallen from Him and that grief is one consequence? Is it to remind us that Heaven will be so much better than life on earth? What is the purpose? I do know that God fully understands grief – He is capable of the emotion. When Lazarus died, Jesus mourned his loss and went to his tomb in grief. I have little doubt that God grieved when Adam and Eve sinned. I know that this grief of losing a cat pales in comparison to those, but I also don’t want to miss the opportunity to learn something from this experience. I know that my life will go on very quickly – it’s not as poignant as losing a loved person – but I want to pause and find the value too. I want to understand it. Partly, I’m sure, so that I can make sense of it and add value to a cat’s life that so suddenly and unexpectedly vanished from mine.

-------------

Pepper was a scaredy cat, but also trusted me completely. She was weird, but loving. Odd, yet in a funny way. Endearing, unique and beautiful, her colors and green eyes will always be with me.

-------------

Pepper – rest in peace. I miss you. September 2000 – January 1, 2008.