Want a clear, concise view of the entire LAN weekend? We don't have that, but this is pretty close.
Coffee Pot: Profanity for “Shot Glass”
This is a savage tale of big game hunting and drunken debauchery. I cannot tell it without using the occasional bit of profanity. I’m not apologizing. Call it a friendly warning. Then again, what would you expect, given who I am, right?
My tale begins at the 2006 2o2p LAN, more specifically during the raffle. After many rounds, it was time to give away a giant rubber schlong, autographed by the 80 madmen and madwomen who’d just spent the past 24 hours sweating and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. Trusting any of them would’ve been tantamount to signing your own death warrant.
I had nothing but suspicion as Mike James held aloft the empty beer carton and Phreak reached in to draw.
Actually, I had no suspicion. I never win anything. So it was a huge shock when she read the number of my ticket. After a moment of realization, the blood drained from my face and I broke out in instasweat. My first thought was that they’d rigged it, because that’s the kind of douchetacular thing Phreak and/or Taxi would do. I couldn’t move. I could not stand. I … vag’d out.
They drew another number. Someone else won the cock. I escaped with my shame and told no one. At least not until Speedbmp, Malice and I were an hour and a half out of Chicago. I slapped down the ticket, fessed up and let them taunt me for my cowardice.
I put the ticket in my wallet, a reminder of the consequences of cowardice, that embarrassment is temporary and honor is eternal.
Thursday
Fast forward to August 9, 2007. Bmp, GreenGuru and I arrived at the Wyndham O’Hare at about 7:00. After finding Soup and unloading my gear, we headed down to the bar.
I’m not sure everyone on 2o2p is aware of the secret, but I’m willing to share it at this time: Though the lan begins “officially” on Friday, you’d be doing yourself a favor to arrive on Thursday. Thursday is the night people just hang out and talk and drink without the distraction of those vile videogames. It’s also the night we bring in the strippers and midgets.
At the bar, we found a whole police line-up of douchebags; Doodirock, DSmooth, Xssmoke, LBsutke, Beldar, Darth Cestual, Em, Sys. I can’t really remember, but I think Kung Fu, Gaara, BC, CrazyGamer and Glory 6 all showed up at some point during the evening, as did Biorod (and others; I know I’m leaving people out, but the latter half of that evening was erased from the hard drive).
It was during this time LB unveiled the black leather “Suck It” paddle he’d had custom made for us by Gaius. The paddle would come back to haunt us later in the evening when it was commandeered by a drunken 50-something crone who got the greatest glee chasing 2o2pers about the bar and smacking them on the ass. I remember setting her upon Smoke.
About halfway through the evening, LB invited the Profanity crew up to his room for some Paradiso tequila. Everyone was told to bring their own glass. I brought all four from my room, and yet when they passed out the shots, I was handed LB’s coffee pot. Not the coffee mug. The. Coffee. Pot. And it was filled to the bottom line with tequila. WTF.
We returned to the bar later where my clanmates proceeded to buy me a few too many. You may hear stories of chairs being wielded like energy swords or billiard table jumping. Don’t believe them. That is naught but propaganda being circulated by my enemies.
After the hotel bar closed at midnight, we all retired to various rooms and continued to debase ourselves.
Friday
I awoke still drunk, my dry contacts trying to sand their way to the backs of my eyes. No matter. The Day had arrived and we had geekery to commence.
We’d gathered a small crew to attend Wizard World Chicago and Phreak had conned the hotel into having a shuttle take us the three miles to the convention center. Once there, we homed in on the Bioshock demo. Pretty cool set up. They had a dome tent loaded up with LCDs, headsets and (presumably) copies of the recently released demo. Ummmm, pretty. Not as pretty as the “little daughters,” however*.
We saw nerds of many splendored colors, including a convincing Boba Fett, Darth Vader and a fat assed TIE-bomber pilot. Saw a bunch of lame assed looking Jokers, a Batman, a couple fat Wonder Women and an actually cute slave girl Princess Leia*.
After a battle with the hotel shuttle, we returned to the hotel, journeyed to Potbelly (a popular lunch destination of the 2007 2o2p Lan) for some sandwiches, and then finally descended into the hotel’s basement ballroom. There we found tables laden with 17” lcd monitors, speakers and Xbox360 VGA cables.
Everyone helped out with cabling and making sure there was actually room at each station for the 360s (no PS3s were spotted in the wild – where the hell were you guys?). In short order, the switches, network cable (which took a herculean effort from dozens of site members; cutting and capping 3,000’ of cat5 is no picnic) and power lines were laid.
A 360 was quickly hooked up and the first game of the 2007 2o2p Lan was officially played. The game: Guitar Hero II. The song: Freebird. The Axeman: Taxi. He four-starred it, but it was an underwhelming performance. Four stars my ass.
In less than half an hour, 2/3 of the monitors were hot and games had broken out all over the place. At 5:00, a cease-fire was called and we had to go outside, line up and check in. Though douchebags like Taxi cheated and got their nametags early, I had the dubious honor of being the first non-cheater to be checked into the Lan (suck it, bitches).
The free bar opened at some point (announced by either DSmooth, Mike James or Taxi), and we piled out into the hallway like the homeless trying to get into the soup kitchen on a frosty January evening. I’ve a feeling some douches were offering “favors” to the bartender and coming back to the arena “two fisting.”
The gaming and greetings were furious. Halo 2, Gears, GRAW, Forza 2… A giant screen of table cloths were thumbtacked to one end of the room for epic axeslinging, and for a time, Syschaos fended off all challengers. Over in the corner, Sharp and Banjo jammed hard enough to make their fingers bleed. The Wowhores took a little more time to show their faces, though by late Friday night, they’d taken over the cross-shaped island in the middle of the room.
The room was all but papered in 2o2p banners (props to Stryker for the art and LBsutke for the production). We took the Profanity banner* and laid claim to one end of the room. Other clans claimed other areas, but in reality, there was no way to avoid each other. Interaction was unavoidable. Clan affiliation wasn’t asked. We’re all part of the same one, after all: 2o2p.
The other exciting event of Friday was the unveiling of “the shirt*.” Just weeks ago, Beldar and Phreak went mano y mano on Warlock with bragging rights and public humiliation on the line. Beldar might not’ve bothered to show up, bad as he played. Better still, we were hiding in the rafters of the Yellow base doing color commentary and emptying BR rounds into his corpse.
The Shirt was purple with all manner of womanly accoutrements attached, including a bejeweled collar and some pretty girly patches. The front of the shirt read, “I am Phreak’s bitch,” and the back said, “I suck at Halo,” both of which are true. I have to give skinny douche props, however. He never complained.
Friday ended with booze and the promise of a great day of gaming. Personally, Friday ended with me nursing a bottle of water in a Quijotian attempt to rehydrate. I went to sleep with the soundtrack to The Fountain in my ears.
Saturday
Saturday started off for Profanity with a clan breakfast at the iHop. We confirmed there that Laud is, in fact, a disgusting bastard. He ordered a chicken-fried steak breakfast and mixed it all together as though preparing the trough for the pigs. He should’ve ordered it blended and drank it. What the hell, man? Food is meant to be tasted. If you want some kind of flavor explosion in your mouth, I’m sure Gaara can help you.
This is where I parted company from the mass of 2o2p. As a movie critic, I’m a modern day Sysyphus. I never get a break. The only time I haven’t had to go to the movies on a weekend in the last nine years was the weekend I got married. Bmp, Guru and I met some friends and went to see Stardust (which was actually pretty good). Because nothing ever happens fast when movies are involved, the trip ate four hours of Lan-time.
When I returned, it was half an hour from the start of the 2o2p Halo 2 4v4 tourney. Soup had entered our team, and we were to face off against teams representing the site – 2old2pwn, 2old2playHalo, 2old2play.com and a smattering of others (and my apologies if I left anyone out).
Hands down, it was the most exciting tourney I’ve ever been a part of. There were epic battles. A match between Raaple Syrup (Beldar, LBsutke, BC and Uncle Buk) and 2old2playHalo was tied at the end of the regulation three games and a fourth had to be played. That game went down to the wire with Raaple Syrup claiming the narrow victory. Raaple Syrup came all the way back to the semi-finals through the losers bracket, playing almost seven hours of Halo 2.
Better than the gameplay was the smack talk. Listening to Kung Fu and Glory howl at the other teams was awesome. Taxi threw shoes at people and DSmooth ran his mouth as though he actually knew how to play the game. Even with Gaara on his team, they couldn’t get it up enough for a second victory (douches need to spend more time practicing).
Ultimately, Vulgarity triumphed, though it’s my contention they slipped Biorod a roofie causing him to pass out before the championship match, which resulted in a Profanity forfeit.
Prior to that, however, was this year’s raffle. NoGame had written frantic correspondence to Microsoft, and the software giant responded with a boatload of Xbox and Windows gear – games, hats, bags, shirts, a jacket, faceplates, a Duke and more. Tickets went for $5 and each “prize pack” had a cup where you could enter one of your tickets. The “big” prize was an Atari 2600 and a whole truckload of games.
Somewhere in there, Doodi gave his version of a “motivational speech.” I have no idea what he said. I’m pretty sure he said, “Profanity pwns,” but past that, I wasn’t really paying attention.
This effectively brings us back round to where we started: my act of shame. Having confessed on Thursday, promises were made. I understood that the giant shiny black phallus would be coming home with me (in checked baggage so as to not have to suffer additional embarrassment).
Phreak called me out at the beginning of the raffle and asked for last year’s ticket, which I still had tucked into my wallet, and then she outted me in front of all 120 lan attendees. She then dropped my ticket into the “cock bag.” Then they made me wait.
Later I would learn she and the other powers-that-be had already decided that no matter what name was pulled from the bag, I’d be going home with the obelisk.
The moment came and Mike James held aloft the cock bag, the mob chanting my name. It was the gallows for me. But then something happened they did not expect. As they reached into the bag and pulled the magic ticket, Thor smiled upon me and put a more perfect name upon the ticket: Gaara.
When last we left Gaara, however, he was continuing the legacy of shame, the curse having passed itself from me to him. He had hidden the giant black dong in a WhiteCastle box and left it down amongst the post-Lan debris. He abandoned it and walked into shadow.
You should also know that your fellow site members raised (if I’m remembering correctly) almost four times as much for charity as we did last year. We were also blessed by the presence of Jolly, Stacy and Megan, reminding all of us that in spite of our douchebaggery and selfishness, we can band together to do good things.
Sunday
The end of the Lan arrived on a scalding hot morning, and after a tasty breakfast at Potbelly (c’mon, $2.99 breakfast sandwich or $19.95 hotel breakfast buffet; that’s easy math), we returned to the Lan room to help the crew put away the LCDs and tear down and re-box the rest the gear. And just like that … the Lan was finished.
Goodbyes were said, shuttles were taken, flights were boarded. Most of all, promises were made. One promise, specifically – to return next year.
So let it be written.
Make sure you check out all the photos in the 2old2play Photo Gallery Here
