Donkey Kong ’s “Bonus Timer” is a classic. So that you can’t keep jumping the same barrels forever, when the timer runs out, poor Mario keels over from a video coronary.
Sure, blame us for not giving him enough step-cardio to work off all the calzones he’d eaten. But some people who made games had something even more sinister to make you move your butt.
Oh... my...God!! RUN!!!
There used to be a monster hiding in your game, they called him the “Timekeeper”, or “Clock Monster”, and if you didn’t run when he showed up, you would face certain death-- in theory at least. The best ones would not only shorten your life, but actually scare the bejeezus out of you, making you swear you’d never, ever dilly-dally again.Some are a normal part of a game, that you must face sooner or later. Others take a very long time to appear, just to prevent outrageous game-hogging. Those are the ones not many gamers, except the very lamest, have seen, since it’s kind of boring to wait around for possibly nothing. But I am that lame, and I’ve done the boring part, so you won’t have to.
You may notice these are all ancient arcade games. Sadly, clock monsters pretty much went when games stopped running on quarters. Cliffy B doesn’t care if you leave Marcus Fenix sitting in jail all night long-- you’ve already paid Cliffy. But don’t be surprised if sometime soon you’re spending gamer points to download these old relics. A lot of them are already available there, or in classic collection discs. If you’re just getting into retro games, you can say it was Mr.Dandy who warned you about… The Clock Monster.
Presenting, in some kind of order, the top all-time Juggernauts of Doom. If you have any to add. please post them in the comments!
CLOCK MONSTERS’ HALL OF FAME
Berzerk: Evil OttoThis is the Capo, the Don Corleone, the Tony Montana of all clock monsters. A bouncing ball with an ironic smile, who bops right over walls to whack you with high voltage. He can absorb your gunfire as though you were throwing marshmallows. He moves as fast as you do, straight at you, even killing his own robo-thugs if necessary, until you either leave the maze, or are electrocuted by his round rump. Man that’s cold-blooded.
If fiery space death were a Mexican restaurant, he’d be the enchilada. You will have to face him, it’s his game for crying out loud. He steadily pieces himself together offscreen while you try to collect the only thing that can hurt him-- tiny Certs mints buried in asteroids. And they are really, really hard to catch. When he gets himself together, he’ll chase you at light-speed, roar at you, taunt you, kill you, eat your ship, and then get jiggy with your wife. And all that takes about 60 seconds of game time.
The sky turns dark. The music goes from heroic theme to a looping dirge of impending doom. From the dusky west, something huge is approaching. A huge, grimacing demon rises in the form of a red earthen jack-o-lantern. It has yellow eyes, so-help-me, yellow eyes. It weaves through the air in a drunken pattern, just as fast as Rygar’s mighty legs can gallop. The hero can leap over the beast as it passes, and even bounce off its head if he’s careful. But it will be back, again and again, faster each time. But if you are man enough, you will dance on the devil’s head just for fun.
With an awful shriek, these sky terrors streak toward your mounted knight if you don’t scoop up that last buzzard omelette in time. You can kill them, but not as easily as the other bad guys—it takes a precise lance point in the open beak to do the trick. They’ll keep coming until you die, or finish the wave. Due to a glitch in earlier versions of the game, a safe spot would let the player stay in one spot and lance the ‘datcyls over and over, for huge points. What a lame juggernaut! But then they fixed the glitch, and everyone stopped laughing.
Skinny flying saucers that cruise faster than anything you can achieve with your puny thrust button. Though hard to hit, you can kill them. But like Sandpeople, they’ll soon retun—and in greater numbers. You won’t last long, so hurry up! Defender is hard enough as it is.
If Venture is like a blocky Dungeons and Dragons, then waiting for the Hall Monster is like eating your Dungeonmaster’s last Twinkie. You are dead meat, unless you get the heck out of that room (and don’t come back without some Ding-Dongs). Your arrows are useless—they go right through his body. He’s called the Hall Monster because—get this—he comes in from the “hall” outside. Cuh-lever.
Must be from all the methane down in that sewer tunnel. They keep coming, first the red one that bounces all around, then the fast green ones that travel horizontally through whatever level you’re on. You can bonk them while they touch the deck above, but don’t count on that for long. Just finish your crab cocktail and move on.
Wait, this isn’t even a Namco game! It can appear anytime you stay put for too long—even if the timer hasn’t run out! He bounces like a crazy superball-- you won’t last long once he inda’ house. Maybe you can kill him, but I don’t have the heart to do it, honestly. I still can’t believe it. A giant mecha Pac-Man.
He’s invincible and he floats through walls. Plus he looks like the skeleton the of Pac-Man. What’s next a tattoed, machine-gun toting Pac-Man? Don’t laugh, Sega did it to Sonic.
SKATE OR DIE!! If you don’t get to a skatepark challenge fast enough, out come the killer bees! Hey, what does a swarm of bees care if some emo kid doesn’t want to grind in a half-pipe? It’s a little bit funny when the bees rearrange themselve into shapes, like this hammer. Or at least as funny as a child suffering from anaphylactic shock can be. You only have one life, so if they get you, it’s full-on GAME OVER. That’s definitely not funny.
BLAMMIE AWARDS
Alien Syndrome: Big BangThis is not a true monster, but still gets the job done—with an ACTUAL Time Bomb. Yes, they aren’t lying when they tell you, “The Bomb Is Set”. Sure enough, when that ticker hits double goose-eggs, BOOM! Big fireworks. But at least the aliens are dead too. Right? Aw nuts.
From out of nowhere, a bunch of large-burst artillery shells rain down on your position. They let up as soon as you make some yardage, but the first shell may kill you, so there you go. Ikari is a game without mercy. Or shirts.
Much like Ikari’s cheapshot— except they’re red hand grenades that come at you from the sides. Did I miss something? If these enemies can quietly surround me like that, then why do they still throw themselves like lemmings in front of my HEAVYYYY BARREL?
Why are the bad guys blowing up their own HQ? Time bombs are nothing new, but what genius installed one in the middle of every room, like furniture-- and then lit all the fuses?? I’m guessing Ikea’s helpful staff.
GOLDEN SCREAMIE AWARDS
Rastan: BatsNooo! Bats! Baaaats! Stay away!! Arrgh! Hideous, terrible bats!!
Geez, they really don’t want you to go back that way, do they? A huge flaming wall of deadly spiritual energy creeps up behind you if you don’t move along like a good little serial-killer. As effective as a rolling stage featuring the Spice Girls.
I bet almost nobody has played Warrior Blade on location in a US arcade. Well, I have, but I’ve played everything on location (including Meet The New Sky Robo). But about Warrior Blade, it’s too bad, since it has some of the best comic-style art of any 2D game. And it’s also a sequel to Rastan. But alas, the game is very short and easy, and a staggering monkey could get through before the timer runs out. But if for some reason you stood around to read the graffiti, you are treated… TO THIS!! An evil, moaning, upper-body apparition that sucks out your soul faster than I suck Mountain Dew Slurpees.
Yuck! Double-schnatt! I don’t know what’s worse, having to pick up live ants and filthy food crumbs… or NOT picking them up, and having the roaches appear. You can only kill them with the broom, and that only works once, but they keep coming out of the drain. Guh-ross.
He poofs in and throws one of his patented flaming hearts at you! And this one doesn’t say “Be My Sweetie”. You can’t kill him, although you can whip the heart out of the air. Still, dude, that’s messed up if you realize he had to reach in and pull every one of them out of someone’s chest! If he runs short of human sacrifices, I guess he could start chucking kidneys and spleens. Ahhhhgh!!! Cover your heart, Indy.
A rascally floating cranium with flaming yo-yos spinning around it. It’s probably a possessed idol, or an extra-planar spiritual entity, that took the form of… eh, whatevuh.
LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD (FOR LAMENESS)
Cal .50: Black OpsAt least it’s not more bombs from nowhere. The normal trickle of lame, lampshade-wearing guerillas is replaced with… a trickle of black-beret killers, who shoot slightly more often and occasionally throw grenades. I guess they don’t really care if you move forward or not.
Just like the ones you meet in the later levels. They only come two at a time, you can kill them easily, and new ones spawn very slowly. So you can stand in the first level village forever, just like you always dreamed! I knew you’d want to know that.
He appears at the bottom level if you stay there too long. But oddly, he won’t hurt you, and you can’t hurt him. He retreats if you approach, and when he’s near, your can’t even throw punches, instead you wave a white flag. Which might leave you vulnerable to the little scampering monkeys… except that they also don’t come near you while the boxing ape is around. Checkmate, you stupid ape!
A big meatball bounces out if you go too slowly through the valley area. Might as well let it hit you in the head, you will never live down wearing those colors into battle.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Ninja Gaiden: Continue Screen From HellNot really a true Clock Monster since it’s not a part of the gameplay.. but a clever attempt to extort a continue out of you out of sypathy and/or horror. I was in high school when I first saw this, and it still makes me cringe. Why is that one weird demon upside-down? You kids today are made from sterner stuff, I’m sure.
Final Fight and Tecmo Knight tried it too....
Uh oh. When your timer runs out, your laser gun stops shooting. Pretty scary while sealed in a haunted tomb several miles beneath Cairo. I think I read somewhere that this actually happened to Howard Carter… good thing he had that genie lamp.
A bunch of hollow cubes float out if you don’t kill the boss battleship fast enough. Admittedly, Darius is one of my alltime favorte games, and I’m not just saying that—I used to own this machine. But honestly, should some bouncing boxes scare me more than, say, a giant robot fish with FRICKIN’ LASER BEAMS in his head?
That villager warned us about the “awesome monster” if we took too long to finish the quest. That sounded like a dare to me. So when it finally came… it was a floating skull. Aw-sum.
ZERO AWARD FOR NO ACHIEVEMENT (IN NOTHINGNESS)
Contra: ZippoThis game has nothing, and I literally mean nothing-- to make you move ahead. No timer, no flaming skull, no artillery barrage, nor grenades, boulders, bats, apes, or hordes of cockroaches— nothing! You can literally stand in a safe spot and bounce the fire buttton, and never moving an inch, in perpetuity. That makes Contra the most modern game in this article. Congratulations, Konami!
