Bubba, tired of being nice to you miscreants, decided insulting everyone would be more fun than writing something meaningful. Enjoy.
Well, I tried being “popular.” Quite frankly the return on that investment was not what I had hoped. So I’m going to throw this shit wagon into an 180◦ slide and see if I can’t just offend the crap out of everyone. For those of you worried about my immortal soul, don’t sweat it.
There is no God.
He’s a fairy tale like Santa Claus and Paul Revere.
Grow up.
That being stated, here’s my list of some of the worst things ever…
Worst Game Console Ever: The PS3, obviously. Sony knows it. You know it. I know it. Even the mouth-breathing jizz-bag fanboys who shelled out $600 for a glorified Blu-ray player know. Let’s do the math together, shall we?
$600.00 - Cables Not Included + Little Big Planet = Worst Console Ever
You can stop now with the sheep-like bleating to get doodi to remove the “PS3 Sucks” graphic. It’s there for a reason and all the whiny half-baked-faux-grass-roots-advocacy-whine-a-thons you stage won’t change that fact. It won’t convince us you’re right either. We will not share your pain. Go shine a trophy.
Worst Song Ever: Wonderful Tonight. This song was the inspiration for this column. While stuck in traffic two out of my six preset stations were playing this garbled schmaltz-fest at the same time (what kind of pussy stations do you have programmed into your stereo? -- ed.). It pissed me off so bad it made me want to throw a four-year-old out an eleventh story window and then write an even worse song about that. If you’re a rock star take Pete Townsend’s advice and die already…before you get old.
Oh yeah, if this was your wedding song, kill yourself. First, kill your wife, then kill yourself. You are trite and superfluous people. Stop breathing my air.
Worst Fiction Genre Ever: Fantasy. Don’t even mention Tolkien to me. If one more person mentions the fact that he invented his own language to me I’ll shove a replica sword up their ass. Two words -- Asperger’s Syndrome. He invented his own language because nobody else wanted to talk to his deluded ass. Rip the cover off your new copy of the Elfstones of Shannara and read it on the plane. Adding more writers does not make a book better.
Worst Clan Ever: The Cabal. I don’t even know anything about it. I just know J-Cat has something to do with it and it reeks of poorly wrapped Tampax in that forum. Girl Gamers Suck.
Worst Movie Ever: Spaceballs. Mel Brooks was funny once. Once. Nothing after Blazing Saddles was even remotely watchable and Spaceballs was proof that John Candy deserved to die young. I only wish he had left more orphans.
Worst Blog Ever: Kittenmag’s. It started off awesome. Like a runaway truck loaded with pastel nighties careening in slow motion into a Jewish singles dance. But now it’s like a Russ Meyer movie on network television. Oh, and by the way you testosterone laden-socially-retarded-drooling-fuckwits, she’s a dude. It’s the interwebs. Dudes do that sort of shit all the time.
Worst Xbox Live Teammate for Any Game: Markus. Want a clan started and then abandoned? How about somebody to pick up that last health pack after he just finished healing himself? Who forgot to close the door to the safe room in L4D? Who just jumped out of the back of the hog to grab the Banshee?
Markus. That’s who.
Worst Roommate Ever: "Bobby from Rutgers." Yup. For a second consecutive column I'm throwing my nephew under the bus. First he couldn't see through the machinations of one of the world's oldest cons and now he's getting the boot from his fifth different living arrangement in a calendar year as yet another group of drunken frat boys have decided they've had enough of him. He still has my wife and his mother convinced that he's just made some poor choices roommate wise. All I can say is that in all five of these dorm rooms/apartments/sub lets/dumpsters there has been one common denominator.
Worst 2o2p Member Ever: Mike James. Waaah! Nobody’s paying attention to me! Waaahhh! I’m leaving! Waaahhh! Nobody noticed I left! Waaahhh! I’m coming back! Waaaahhh! Let’s all play Peggle. And seriously dude, associate’s degrees are a joke.
Worst “Eff You to the New Guy” at a Job Ever: “Hey let’s give him the office in the middle of nowhere and not give him a printer.” I’m e-mailing timesheets to my friend that works in the hospital and then walking down two flights and underneath a city block through tunnels festooned with medical waste to pick it up off a printer in the morgue. It’s like the goddamn hospital scene in Jacob’s Ladder.
Worst Podcast Ever: 2old2type Radio Episodes 38-87. DSmooth is so completely self-absorbed and carb-deprived he honestly believes he created online multiplayer. Ask him. He’ll deny it like this ... “well I’m not saying it I invented it. But it wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for me.” His ego has launched him out of the phylum and species into his own ginormous-headed master race where even his children are mere receptacles of his genetically superior DNA rather than individuals. Codemonkey is being celebrated by the American Medical Association this summer as the newest cure for insomnia. If misinformation is a virus these two are patient-zero of the swine flu pandemic. They’re the Jonah Falcon of the podcasting world. And that’s bad. Really, really bad.
Worst Pop Star Ever: Michael Jackson. Way to touch kids then die.
Dick.
Worst City Ever: Chicago. Trust me I’ve been there four times and will be headed back again August 6th-10th for another lost weekend with you yokels. Got a problem with that? Buy a ticket and kick my ass. Line forms to the left.
Now onto the questions!
Snuphy asks:
I don't have anything funnier than this. Add your own caption.
J-Cat Asks: Hey! How about I just come on out to Jersey and cave your smart-ass head in with a baseball bat?
Oh Yeah? You and what army?
J-Cat Asks: Maybe I won't even fly out there, maybe I'll just parcel post you some anthrax. Would that be better?
I'm not even sure you can joke about stuff like that without getting into some kind of trouble with the feds.
All right. Truthfully, I'm just about out of questions. I have a few saved up for later releases of games and a few that I can't think of anything funny or trenchant to say about so go here and post some more for me. You can also go here to report me to the appropriate authorities. But you don't want to do that. I'm whimsical and pithy.
