"Daddy, where do Jedi come from?"

 

…when the kids interrupted us.

 

No, it‘s not what you think. They didn‘t catch us “doing the deed.” Instead, they interrupted a perfectly good viewing of  “Return of the Jedi.” Granted, they had been sitting there for the whole thing…

 

That’s when one of them said, “Why does Darth Vader want to fight Luke Skywalker?”

 

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit. I wasn’t ready for this. I hadn’t prepared. Shouldn’t there be a book or a class or something? Don’t they teach this stuff to them in the schools?! Whole minutes passed as I tried to plan how to answer my child’s question with information that would not both confuse and traumatize him. I had visions of my grown kid fumbling through his first experience at Comic-Con like a pimpled teenager fumbles with a virgin’s training bra. Even the slightest error in my tack could ruin him for life…

 

And my wife said, “Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.”

 

Son of a bitch.

 

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

 

She just said it. She just blurted it out. She might as well have said, “Babies come from vaginas.” In fact, I would have looked on that response with more favor. And my kid’s only five!

 

There are some things that people should just learn for themselves. And there are some things that parents should never, ever have to say.

 

One of these is, “Babies come from vaginas.”

 

The other is, “Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.”

 

Why? Because it confuses the living hell out of your children. Allow me to illustrate by transcribing the conversation that ensued…

 

My wife said, “Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.” (And then she LEFT THE ROOM. Just LEFT me there with the kid, who was now looking at me like a polio victim waiting or his vaccine. What was I supposed to do?)

 

That’s when my son said, “Really?”

 

Me: “Well, yeah. Uhm… Darth Vader wants his son, Luke, to be bad. And Luke doesn’t want to be bad. So they’re fighting.”

 

Son: “Why does Darth Vader want his son to be bad?”

 

Me: “Because Darth Vader is bad. He likes being bad. So he wants Luke to be bad.”

 

Son: “But it’s not good to be bad.”

 

Me: “No, it’s not. That’s why Luke is fighting.”

 

Son: “Doesn’t Luke like his dad?”

 

Me: “Yes. He loves him very much. That’s why he’s fighting. To save him.”

 

Son: “I don’t get it.”

 

Awkward silence.

 

Then my wife walks back in. She says, “And you know who Darth Vader is? He’s really Anakin. That little boy from the first movie.”

 

So not only do babies come from vaginas, but it’s penises that put them there!

 

I swear, if this boy turns out normal I’ll join the clergy. Or better yet, I’ll become a jedi.