What I can and can't accept

To steal a line from Calvin & Hobbes, "I pray for the strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference."  This is not exactly what I believe but I think that somewhere in that quote is something I can use. 

My backbone has become far more flexible than I am comfortable with. I feel like Gumby, but without the sidekick. I have a pushy friend who wants everything her way and we get yelled at or guilt tripped if it isn't done to her standards. I have a friend getting married who is a little severe at times and hurts feelings withouth meaning to, but often enough that we brace ourselves for it. I know people have pressures in their jobs and lives that can't be changed, but when I get to thinking, the main stressors in my life are all things I CAN change, but am afraid to.

The pushy friend: it's easier to go along with what she says, because she gets really shrill and ugly about things when I don't. But when I need her she's there, always. She really is a good friend but it's hard to be friends with her. I can't just cut her out of my life, we need each other in ways that make the friendship worthwhile. I just wish I could stand up to her demands a little more without being hurt when I get called a bitch for disagreeing.

The bride: I've known her 15 years now and as well as we know each other, she still can hurt my feelings so easily. I don't want to sound like I wear my heart on my sleeve, but maybe I do and just don't know it. I used to think I was a very tough, independent person, strong enough to deal with anything that comes my way. I CAN deal with things, but it seems like so many things that need dealing with find me more often than I'd like. She's a great person, I trust her implicitly to watch my back, but I find it difficult to disagree with her when she pushes something. I don't like being a doormat, but it causes less conflict.

I know time is limited, schedules are impossible, and external factors make some friendships hard to maintain. It's worth every struggle, every embarassment, every inconvenience to me though. I choose to include people in my life, and there are a handful that are worth the effort. I just wish I wasn't afraid to say the things that I think need to be heard. I'm afraid that I have become such a terrible inconvenience that if I speak my mind I'll be ejected from the cockpit, so to speak. I also know that I made some choices recently that have been really questionable, that have been upsetting. That is going to stop. I mean it. I had a little wake up call on that point and I want to be able to be trusted. I feel sick to my stomach tonight because I'm so worried I made one mistake too many.

I'm also afraid to hurt other people's feelings, so I have chosen to keep my mouth shut more often than is comfortable for me. I have bitten my tongue bloody to keep from snapping back at a variety of people. I have a vile temper but I do know how to keep it in check, especially when I will be hurting someone just for spite. The whole point of today's self indulgent and whiney blog: I want to stand up for myself, I want people in my life to stand up for me when I deserve it, and I'm tired of being pushed around and into the corner simply because I'm convenient. But I also lack the courage to confront any of it, because I'm worried that by doing so I'll ruin something that can't be repaired, so I sit and try to figure out ways to accept my reality and hope that I am not making the wrong choices. I'm worth more than toilet paper so treat me like it. (Today is a day I kinda wish one of my friends who needs to see this was a member of this site, but she's not. She calls it "game-crap".) Sometimes it's just easier to say things in writing than in person.